Angst time!!  Yay!

This is my first Taiki fanfiction, although it is by far the first fanfic I have ever written.  Hell, Ive written at least eighty on fanfiction.net.  Some are horrible (the early era of my writing career) of course, but that is the path of a writer, right?  Im feeling good about this fic (mostly because its my first, but eh ^ ^ ) and Im hoping others like it.  But, knowing my luck, no one likes overtly angst stories like this.  ^ ^; 

Anyway

Disclaimer: I really dont own Raine or Lil, and I do have to give props to Taiki for creating an awesome couple.  Sorry, but Im going to tweak them a little (I swear, just a little) for this story.

Rating: PG  (a safety net for all the depression in the fic)

Pairing(s): Unnamed OC x Raine x Lil

Genre: Drama, Angst, Slight Romance

This IS a one-shot, so the chances of me continuing this is very slight.  I might, but usually only if I feel like it.  Thats not often.  Haha.  ^ ^  Im such a dork  Like Ive said many times, its a little depressing and angsty, so forgive me on that account.  Thats just basically all I can write.  ^ ^;  Sorry.  Besides, one such as I shouldnt look up someone on MySpace and listen to Out of Reach by BBMak as often as I did when writing this.

I dont know why I keep coming here.

At least, thats what I tell myself each time I find myself standing right there, at the same place we had met so long ago.  It seems almost strange now to think that its been years since then, and stranger yet to think that Id moved on from that time.

Or had I really moved on from then?  To tell the truth, the questions always return when Im most unsure of myself, and it makes me ponder everything that Id grown up knowing and understanding.  Each time my feet lead me here, I wonder why, examine my existence until Ive analyzed it to death.

Im an idiot, arent I?  I keep returning to only receive the same answers in return.  Life went on, Raine.  SHE moved on.  She doesnt even look back and remember that you were even there at all.

I know that it shouldnt hurt, and I know that I should have stopped caring long before now, but that doesnt stop the pain that thunders through my veins nor her memory from creeping into my soul.  You can never stop something that is bigger than you yourself, and, while it might be hard to conceive in time, eventually one has to live with what reality gives you.

I really hate reality sometimes, you know?  Memories, even daydreams, are an escape Ive longed for for a time longer than Ive ever felt alive.

No one knows that she was really the first to make me feel as alive as I do or did.  No one knew that she made my heart beat in a pattern unlike what I was used to.

And no one seemed to care.  No one but me, that is.

As the rain starts to pour upon my shoulders, I feel the cold for the first time beneath the shell some call skin, and I remember now of all times that I should have grabbed an umbrella back when I had left HER place - the new HER, the one thats been trying to take the other hers place the hardest she could since weve met.  Then again, I guess it was better not to have one.  At least, if she looked out the window now from that cozy room, she wouldnt be able to recognize me through the downpour.

Still, a part wants her to remember, wants her to feel as much as I have since that day long ago when I was shoved away because she had never loved me.

Raine  Shes here.  The one that was supposed to take her place.   And I know that shes holding the umbrella over me to hide me from the rain, the droplets that are supposed to be washing it all away.  A bitter smile comes to my lips, knowing that I should have known better than to trust her to stay behind.  I should have known that she would follow me after I had made an adamant plea for her not to.

She cares for me, much to my dismay, although there are days I wish she wouldnt.  That way, it wouldnt hurt her as bad as it does when I run off and stand here, waiting for eyes that wont ever turn and gaze at me through the glass.

Im sorry.  Its my thousandth apology since wed met, and its always been about the same thing.  I cant help but feel pitiful, broken more than I have in months every time I stand her, caught in the act of wishing thinking.  My eyes close, and my head droops as I allow the pain overflow me, empathy mixing with the hurt Ive felt since the demise of what I still held so tightly to.  Im s-

You dont have to apologize.  Her voice is shaking, and I know that shes trying- she's really trying- to hold tight to her emotions and keep her tears in check.  After causing her so many tears, Ive learned to tell the tone of her voice when shes ready to let go and leave me here to rot in this morbid Hell Ive placed myself in.  I know that that-  She paused, and I know that its to reign herself in tighter in fear that she might actually show something other than support and love for me.  I know that it must be hard to let go of someone you love dearly, like- like you-

Im sorry.  My head lowers more at the confession, and both of us know that Im apologizing for things beyond my control.  She knows that its useless to keep holding on, but she tries anyway, hoping to keep hold of a heart already lost.  My heart is beyond her control, but she wants to try anyway.  Me?  I just give up and hope that my feelings will start to fade something I should have given up long ago.

Im just out of her reach, just as much as SHE is out of mine.

Silence ensues, and I know that shes thinking.  Of what, Im technically not sure, but I wait patiently like an obedient child nonetheless.  My eyes open slowly, and the gaze deeply into the vacant window once more.

The umbrella moves, and I feel the rain wash over me again, dampening my soul to make it feel like it had back when SHE had first held me.  Pure.

The sound of retreating footsteps called from behind, and I closed my eyes again with a bowed head, thinking over things that Ive thought over many times before.  No answers seemed apparent, much like the day before and the day before that.  Nothing had changed, and nothing ever would.

At most, I could only whisper her name and hope that she would hear me, answer my call and return to my arms.  Lil I  Foolish, pitiful even, but it had worked in the movies.  Why couldnt it work now, when I needed it the most?  I love you.  I always will.  And- And Im sorry.  I guess-  I couldn't really say anything else, now could I?  Not like she would answer me or anything.  Bye, I guess.  For now.

Like a dog, I turn and follow my master, returning to the one that still kept her arms open for me when I felt as though no one else would.  Im a coward, and I can only hide my pain by giving myself to another and returning to stand there another day, repenting for things I shouldnt have to regret any longer.

If only the feeling of her eyes on my back were real.

END

So yeah.  Thats it really.  Hope it was okay.  Chances of me writing a sequel, like I said, are bad.  But chances of me writing another one-shot is high.  Haha!  XD