It can't be helped, I guess.

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

It can't be helped, I guess.

gappiee · Guru

hey there, im doing great

LadyTwilight wrote:

I've been hesitant to just drop out of the sky and ask for help; that's just rude.

Soooo whats the problem?

i dont think asking for help is rude btw.......

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

gappiee wrote:

hey there, im doing great

Soooo whats the problem?
i dont think asking for help is rude btw.......

Well, I mean it's not so much asking for help, or rude, but rather I feel like it's just not right for me to show up and ask for help from someone/a group that I haven't talked to in a long time. It feels like that person/group would feel I was just using them whenever it's convenient for me.

Interestingly, due to this, I have little problem with others coming to me for help from the blue, though I'm not very good at the helping part ^ ^;;

As for what the problem is...Like many things in life, it's complicated...>_>;; I suppose it mostly boils down to identity issues, unreasonable anxiety issues, and my recent (recent? maybe not so limited) losses of composure over moderate things.

gappiee · Guru

hmmm i dont think the most ppl will mind if u ask em for help from time to time although it wont hurt just to talk to em sometimes =)

anyway ill try to help (if you need/want help) ... but im not really big on the helping part either =/

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

I s'pose it mostly goes back to http://taikiwebcomic.activeboard.com/index.spark?forumID=111345&p=3&topicID=17604159 (Regarding which, I am very shocked and sad that Psion has not returned since his last posting...).

In short, I don't know where he is. I just...can't find him. But I don't feel the same as I used to, and, from an objective perspective, it feels like, as in general DID cases, the whole merging of personalities thing.

But, I don't want that! I want him back and he's gone and it's just not fair and I'm lonely without him and I've been going BSOD over spilling towels I just washed on a dirty floor, and just night before last (the night right after the towels, even), I was completely freaking out because my microwave and oven lost power but none of the breakers are tripped and the plug is behind the oven which I can't lift and I have to manually light the stove, and it's a justified freakout, but that's no excuse to go ultra-bitchy all over my forum friends and I don't know who I am now because I'm certainly not him but I don't feel like the same person who chose her name and I'm just really lost and I want him back.

Edit: Well, that was...dramatic. It comes in bursts, huh?

-- Edited by LadyTwilight at 03:10, 2009-01-30

Oh, f'goodness's sake. It was a powerstrip that was tripped instead of the breaker. I while I feel foolish, because of the wire setup I would have never known this without having it pointed out to me. -1 notch of drama.

-- Edited by LadyTwilight at 03:13, 2009-01-30

Wandering Mimic · Veteran Member

First off, I'm pretty sure the power strip thing would've had me on the floor in the fetal position.

I don't really wanna say the wrong thing here, but... what the hell... being wrong is cool too.

From what I understand, you're talking about the loss of something you've always had. Whether it is good or bad, that has gotta be difficult to deal with.

Personally, I've had some internal changes that have kept me spooked for nearly half a year now. I just can't adjust to them but I'd rather not sweep them under the rug. To me it feels more like a trade than a loss or a gain.

You may just be overreacting to smaller incidents because something has changed and you're still uneasy. It could easily leave you irritable. Do you think that you needed to hold onto him or did you just not want to lose him? Can you think of any reason why you would've let him disappear?

How long ago did you notice this part of you missing?

gappiee · Guru

alright LadyTwilight
i just read al the psychoanalisis (probably spelled wrong so i hope you get what i mean) that psion made, now your post makes sense (i read it about 10 times this morning and dint get it at all) i think i get the problem now. i always talk to myself to think( i actually dont really speak) and have other parts of myself think about it, they dindt respond at some time i really paniced at that moment but they just apeared to be asleep ....

anyway i think Mimics questions make sense.

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

Wandering Mimic wrote:

First off, I'm pretty sure the power strip thing would've had me on the floor in the fetal position.

I don't really wanna say the wrong thing here, but... what the hell... being wrong is cool too.

From what I understand, you're talking about the loss of something you've always had. Whether it is good or bad, that has gotta be difficult to deal with.

Personally, I've had some internal changes that have kept me spooked for nearly half a year now. I just can't adjust to them but I'd rather not sweep them under the rug. To me it feels more like a trade than a loss or a gain.

You may just be overreacting to smaller incidents because something has changed and you're still uneasy. It could easily leave you irritable. Do you think that you needed to hold onto him or did you just not want to lose him? Can you think of any reason why you would've let him disappear?

How long ago did you notice this part of you missing?

Ahhm... Well, I went to the AIM convo logs to find it, and found myself telling Kat I couldn't find him/tell the difference between us anymore all the way back in August. There was quite a conversation between her and I in October as well, which is probably about when I gave up looking. A lot longer than it seemed to me.

I don't know if I 'need' him, in the outside-view long-term objective mental health sense.

Myself, I feel like I can live without'm, but that's mostly out of necessary, because I just can't stop walking. I don't believe I ever wanted him gone or would let him go. I was annoyed at having his body and his face, but not at him. He's...he's like that feeling you get when your closest friend is standing right beside you, hand on your shoulder. The person that kows you as much as you know yourself, but isn't the same, and always ready to take you by the shoulder and step in front of when you're scared. Always in your company no matter when or where, but no need to really be alone away from them when you want to be.

Even if he is, in fact, part of what makes up 'me' now, that's just...a lonely existance, y'know?

-LT

@gap: It's psycho + (analyze -ze + sis) = psychoanalysis

gappiee · Guru

wel got it almost right then =]

hmmmm seems like the best solution would be hanging out with friends and i guess talking to ppl should help too so you get more comfortable without him and less lonely.

this is the best i can come up with now and it also seems to be the easyest way, but i might be saying weird things since im a bit confused from seriously spooking myself(that never happened before).

Wandering Mimic · Veteran Member

I'm with gappiee on this one. The solution to this "lonely existence" is not usually found inside.

If you really believe that you would not let him go, I think the only other reasoning for it was that he wanted to go. It isn't likely that someone came along and dragged him away from you. I don't really want to list those obvious touchy-feely reasons for why he would want to go as I'm sure that you are more than capable of recognizing them.

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

Well, crud. I'm an anti-social shut-in (also it's very cold outside).

Wandering Mimic · Veteran Member

I don't blame you. People suck, the sun is too bright, and it is freakin' cold.

gappiee · Guru

Wandering Mimic wrote:

I don't blame you. People suck, the sun is too bright, and it is freakin' cold.

nope i have no problem with either the sun or the cold.... not very (though not warm) cold here and raining all the time blankstare

guess i wont go out unless i have to

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

Wandering Mimic wrote:

I'm with gappiee on this one. The solution to this "lonely existence" is not usually found inside.

If you really believe that you would not let him go, I think the only other reasoning for it was that he wanted to go. It isn't likely that someone came along and dragged him away from you. I don't really want to list those obvious touchy-feely reasons for why he would want to go as I'm sure that you are more than capable of recognizing them.

I think I was misinterpreted or (more likely) misrepresented. It remains that I can't find him; that he's not there, but I also tried to say (I suck at saying things, so probably my end at fault) that it's not that he left. That's the other half of it; not only is he not there, gone, but I feel like he's part of me me, at least in part.

Let me try again:
It's not that he left or was dragged or was pushed, or such... It's that he's no longer there, I'm having an identity crisis because I can't tell the difference between he and I, and he's not there to pick up the pieces when I crumble.

Wandering Mimic · Veteran Member

I think I understood you. I was making the point that the cause for him being gone was not external, and some part of you/him was responsible for it. The implication of that being that whether he is merely indiscernible from you or gone, it was intentional and decided on by one of the two.

My ultimate point was that one of you felt that you would be able to carry on in the state you are in now. If not, you'd have to assume that he would take over when you need him, I doubt you're/he's trying to make your life a living hell. Beyond that, the most important part is that you learn to be comfortable in your current state because you cannot just hope that things will go back to how they were.

As for not being able to tell the difference between you and him, you still refer to each part separately and identify as one. This almost seems like one of those "have your cake and eat it too" situations.

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

I refer to myself in singular because I'm not legion. When I say I can't tell the difference between us, I don't intend to say I'm some sort of hive mind now.

As regards the person that is my brother, him not being 'there' anymore does not negate or erase the fact that he existed; he had a name, he had friends and thoughts and I owe him fortunes. He's not dead or gone, so there's no need for mourning. But there's absolutely no reason I should not be allowed to call my brother my brother or call out his name or refember him fondly, or consider him a person who isn't me, ever, at any time, place or life.

Regardless, I talked myself out in a friend's box and I've somewhat resolved the identity crisis parts of it. I'll let y'all in on some of that here. It was largely a matter of trying to find how to redefine myself (and necessarily, how I defined myself previously).

I am female. I know that much as I know that I breathe. But to say "I am a girl," isn't enough; it's...inadequate. It doesn't fully encompass what I am. The best analogy I could come up with is this: if some red dye is poured into a bottle filled with blue dye, the blue dye is still there, but to just call it 'blue dye' doesn't cut it. While telling Neo about this, he took my metaphor further and remarked that I'm still working on getting the right bottle, haha.

I am female; I breathe. I am a girl; I am more than just a girl. 'There' is no longer a landmark, so 'here' and 'in between' mean something different. I guess I'm 'me'.

(I guess I've also got a pretty bad personality.)

-- Edited by LadyTwilight at 09:10, 2009-02-07

Wandering Mimic · Veteran Member

I suppose I did say whatever I was trying to in a very stupid way, I certainly didn't intend to imply you were a hivemind.

I'm glad you were able to deal with the issue, but what's up with the "bad personality" line?

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

I did misinterpreted its tone but I got more defensive and snappy than I should have been to someone who was trying very much to help. It's a serious character flaw, hence bad personality.

I'm feeling pretty good, though. I spent the day with some of the family and three of us spent some hours on a jigsaw puzzle. We finished it, which was really cool. It's at my grandmother's house (who started it and had the edges and top part done) and I'd been working on it a couple times before, but when we banded together, we just blew through it.

*coughcoughnotableinthatit'sthefirsthumancontactI'vehadinweekscough*

It's almost like everything feels kinda different. It's kinda strange. But then, I think I needed to tell myself about me. It may sound strange, but I think that I think through writing (as opposed to writing what I think), and to really think things through, I need to type them out, usually to someone (likely why I find it hard to write out my dreams unless I'm writing them out in another person's IM box). Anyways, today was pretty cool.

gappiee · Guru

glad your better.

LadyTwilight wrote:

It's almost like everything feels kinda different. It's kinda strange. But then, I think I needed to tell myself about me. It may sound strange, but I think that I think through writing (as opposed to writing what I think), and to really think things through, I need to type them out, usually to someone (likely why I find it hard to write out my dreams unless I'm writing them out in another person's IM box). Anyways, today was pretty cool.

i dont think its strange, its a way of brainstorming loads of ppl find it easier to thiek while talking to some one.

... wow that stuff about the dye i pretty deep, most people would just call it purple and be done with it. and your not a bad person just cause something you said is a bit unfriendly.

Mimic: i dont get that stuff about cake, may just be me though.

btw you could refer to only one person by saying we as a pluralis majestatis. so one could say it if he/she thinks he/she is(or acutally) royalty aww

Wandering Mimic · Veteran Member

Ignore the cake line gappiee, it is a confusing saying anyway... and it was too closely related to the hivemind part of my post.

LT, I really didn't notice you were being defensive or snappy. Entirely understandable anyhow, I definitely got lost somewhere in my post and said the wrong thing.

And you feel better after spending a day with your family? Wow. That is... talent.

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

Not sure I've a talent in it~
If you mean 'get well' better, that was from me spending an hour talking myself out with a friend.

Morrie.
I'm 'feel good' better after spending time with my family 'cause it was a nice change of pace and my family is eight kinds of awesome. Plus there was really really really good cookiedough-vanilla pie (a 1.2x awesome multipler). And we finished that puzle (which was obviously made for masochists), which was two and a half more kinds of awesome.
Even if there was some drama (two and a half on a one-to-six awesome penalty scale), I think anyone'd feel better spending a day with my family (after/if they get past the 'this family is insane!' phase).

I think the royalty thing is because Kings/Queens/assorted royalty is because they're supposed to be representing their sovereignity, and with it, their subjects, hence the plural.

gappiee · Guru

hmmm really i didnt know. i always thought it was weird that royalty can say We instead of I. like tey are trying to say: "We are better than you"

wow that puzzle must have had a lot of pieces if it was that awesome !^^

I also like days with my family i see them a lot in januari/febuari lots of birthdays ^^

I thought that the cake thingie was a saying. I just dont know it. ^^

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

It had a fair lot of pieces, but the really maddening part was that it was a picture of a desert hill. It looks like you'd be able to tell from the striations which pieces go where, but...not so much. And the pieces, for better or worse (I think they actually helped), were malformed abominations (in an endearing way). There was even one like a five-pointed star, and one that was like three or four pieces smashed together and bathed with radiation.

gappiee · Guru

aaaah the kind of puzzle where nearly every piece has the same picture on it. i tried one of those but i never finished it but it had 5000 pieces i think.

-- Edited by gappiee at 07:40, 2009-02-10

Elpis · Active Member

I love puzzles like that I'm the only one im my family who can do them every one else just gives up.

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

gappiee wrote:

aaaah the kind of puzzle where nearly every piece has the same picture on it. i tried one of those but i never finished it but it had 5000 pieces i think.

-- Edited by gappiee at 07:40, 2009-02-10

Send it over here!

Elpis wrote:

I love puzzles like that I'm the only one im my family who can do them every one else just gives up.

Or send it to Elpis!

gappiee · Guru

hehe i cant it was on a vacation in wales i think they had one there and i didnt finish it within 5 days. i think i was 10 or something like that.
and most of it was blue sinds it was a picture of the sky......

Elpis · Active Member

I must be some kind of freak because i can get the massive really complex puzzles done in a day.

gappiee · Guru

i guess its practice and a lot of patience i dont think i could work a whole day on a puzzle where all the pieces look the same =/

LadyTwilight · Senior Member

I guess I'd be the opposite; once I got started, I'd be hooked way bad. I'mma masochist like that. The beginning, once you finish the edges, would probably be the worst, since as you go on there's both less pieces to sift through and less spaces to try them in. From there, it's probably dependant on that vs the rate your frustration increases by.

gappiee · Guru

hehe yea but its kinda hard to put them somewhere if they are all the same .... just blue. i like puzzels that have cool pictures on them.