I suffer from severe axiety and depression it makes me really unpleasent to be around
even with meds I can't fight it all the time and with no friends it's nearly impossible to fight the depression and the axeity makes it near impossible to make any
so I am essentally a lost cause helping other people is stupid when I can't even break this cycle to help myself

and don't anyone dare say it's easy to fight depression alone it's damn near impossible and even so I'll never be rid of it completely as thats just how my brain is wired

I'd love to accept your help but I'm afraid I don't know how that can happen
I'm on skype alot usually talking to krasis but he doesn't really understand my
situation seeing as he's my best friend thats not really a good thing
so you can keep in touch with me that way or any of the other IM's I use

thats ok don't worry about it
I'll find some way to deal with this alone
I've done ok for myself so far
It's just getting harder with college and all

i hope this isn't about me...
i apologize for not posting a lot.
i don't get the chance to get online any more unless i'm at school.
at home my sister hogs the computer.
once again, sorry.

ok.
for a second i was scared.
i already have enough people hating.
i'd offer to hang out or something of that nature but i'm gonna take a wild guess that we don't even live in the same state.

Well, this is as good a chat thread as any - no reason why we can make use of it, right?

What sorts of things do you like doing, Doc?

Well... it kind of seems like there's a very very small community here - that means its gonna be pretty tight knit and cozy, but that everybody has their own interests... they may or may not TOTALLY line up, y'know?

Like, you mentioned liking WoW in the pokemon thread - if people here played it as well, you could try and communicate and make a connection, maybe journey into a dungeon or two together.

But... Taiki's webcomic isn't really a video game-centric one - she herself may play video games, but the story of the comic is a girl coming to terms with her sexuality and her first love... that said, the draw isn't entirely towards video game discussion (which is sad, because her pokemon fanart is kickin' rad) but rather towards the mature and often touchy subject of sexuality.

So... there isn't much activity in the video game section in general... which is pretty sad.

Doc wrote:

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thats true but a video game centered forum would not be very... understanding... of my issues... believe me I've tried...

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If this is the case, then I'm going to recommend that you speak with someone meant to help you with your issues: you mentioned college in another thread, you're a student? They'll have counselors on campus who'll lend a sympathetic ear - they may even have peer counselors if you don't feel awkward talking to someone closer in age to you.

You may not be comfortable talking about them - and less so about posting them on a public message board on the internets - but, if you don't work towards getting past your issues, or accepting your issues, or such, you give it power to dominate you: you give it strength by refusing to manage it.

Doc wrote:

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it's not that simple I've been addressing issues my whole life
I'm always working to improve myself but it takes a hell of a lot of time to do it
and I guess I'm not allowed to have friends in the mean time then?
well then I may as well just end my life now because I'll never be perfect

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This isn't true.

Working to improve yourself WILL take time, but you know what? If it is not hard, it is not worth doing.

Do you have a job? Why not get to know your coworkers? If you live in a college dorm, you've likely got a roommate, right?

But, the thing about relationships is... you can't be selfish about them. To paraphrase a song, we get to care for each other.

You've got to be there for someone else - and they will be there for you. Its just like that.

I'm taking my time writing these, because these are important words. Suicide isn't something to take lightly, ever. At all. Especially not via the anonymity of the internet.

Doc wrote:

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I wasn't saying it's not hard I know I've been doing it for years
I don't have a job or a dorm I don't get out much
I'm not trying to be selfish I'm just trying to find people who'd be willing to have a friendship with me
and I always try to be there for my friends

and I wasn't implying suicide I was just attempting to make a point

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I see - the internet makes it very hard to clearly enunciate these sorts of things clearly.

Although, I'm not sure what kind of point you're trying to make with the suicide thing, though.

Doc wrote:

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The point was if I can't have friends I may as well be dead
not that I wish to imply I'd actually do it... I'm too much of a coward

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I don't know if I'm the right guy to help you with your problems, then... I'm not sure what I can say to help you out of your depression; nor even get a clue as to how to start helping you.

Doc wrote:

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[...]
I can't afford to lose anyone else on this forum

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I don't think you've lost anyone on this forum. Rather, I think you're just incredibly hard to approach because of how much a negative aura your posts, especially those in this thread, have coming off of them. I haven't put a post in here because, honestly, I have a very hard time dealing with people who are depressed.

'I' was depressed at one point, as well--yet after getting over it with the help of a number of people, I can't seem to help depressed or suicidal people in the least. If I could really help them, I'd fully accept the pain it takes do be near them.
See, the general pattern is that the more I try to help or talk, the less they listen, and eventually by blood starts boiling and I get confrontational, or I find an escape before that point. Every depressed person I have tried to help have given up on themselves and what they owe to their future selves, and in doing so, have completely shut themselves off from any help I can offer or any words to salve their pain. Someone else may be able to help them, but it isn't a task for me to complete. So rather than no results save a choking stapping twist in my chest, I can only step back and escape the situation. I'm not brave or masochistic enough to take that kind of pain if it's meaningless.


Now, I'm not sure what any of that had to do with my quoted post, but....Don't say that the people on this forum have abandonned or discarded you or been lost from you. Have they said "I won't deal with you," or "I can't be bothered to care," or something else as clear? I know most people aren't blunt like I try to be (although I often fail at such, as exampled above), but you...you shouldn't believe that just because someone doesn't talk that they hate you or have abandonned you. Life can be hard on all of us--this very forum community is a showcase of so many of these different cases--and it can be hard for one person to approach another for a thousand different reasons.

But then again, this is superfluous, isn't it? Depression is a hideous monster than crushes optimism and belief in others between its jaws. It's a vast sea of crashing black water that will never let you rebuild your raft alone, but batters the arms you reach out to people.

"I don't think I can help you"--that's what I was afraid of saying when this thread was made. "I want to run away, someone else will answer those pleas, someone who can actually help this lost person, I want to run away!"
I'm human, right?

Don't think you've lost anyone on these forums, it's just that your posts are hard for me to approach. Others may feel differently.

So, I posted this.
But I don't think I can help you.
But I bet there's someone else who may be able to.
Somewhere, right?

just a question, answer it if you want, i don't want to seem like i'm trying to force anything (how can someone do that online anyway?), but just out of curiosity what exactly are these issues that you speak of? i think if we understand the problem more we might be able to figure something out. i'm told i have a way of making people feel better. so i figured i'd at least try to help, i mean what can it hurt?

Iie, atashi no sei mo, ano kotoba wa totsuzen sugiru.

e-err...No, it's my responsibility as well, those words were too sudden. But, well, we can't change our actions until now. I'll offer my help as well, though I can't promise much. I'll see what I can do, though--although I'll probably be relying on shadix or anyone else who joins in here.

-LT

Haha, my apologies about that! I know I can get long winded someti--pretty often, and I'm not sure I understand it all that well myself, so no worries 'bout that~ Don't push yourself to make sense of my textwall'o'madness!
I think most of it can be summed up by: I was deep in depression once myself; despite that, I can't seem to help depressed people with it.

Aaand I can't say I've ever really strained myself to fit in with other people--I've never really needed to--, so once again, I can offer no help on that topic...

*totally not helpful*

so what mmo´s do u play? i like mmo´s i just alwais quit em after a while cuz i get bored

hehe i played WoW for a while but it got boring so now im stiking with the free ones

I've got magic world online downloading now
you'll have to send me your information ^^

gappiee wrote:

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hmmm my download is really slow .....

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yup mine too

 

Doc wrote:

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to be honest I didn't understand your first post LT I still don't
I know you're trying to help and I thank everyone for their support
I will try to change how I've been acting

I've spent my life trying to do just that
trying my best to get by everyday without angering someone because I don't understand what they want
trying to learn how everyone else operates adapting myself to the people around me
because I know I'm the abnormal one

I've spent my entire life trying to fit in
to be like everyone else to conform

It's not easy to fight the way you were programmed
but I do it every day

I hope some of you can come to understand me a little better
I'm not asking for any special treatment or to cut me any slack
I have my demons like everyone else. I'm just trying learn to deal with them.

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 honestly trying to fit in is one of the worst things to do, though i understand why you are doing it. though failing to conform seems to be making it worse. if you stop trying to fit in and find who you are then find people like you or people that will accept you. trust me, it's not easy to do, most people around me still don't accept me, and there are things that i keep to my self because it would cause the few people that do to posibly not. i kinda know how you feel

hmm i agree with shadix beeing yourself is usually the best option...
though it sometimes hmmmm cant think of a word to put here....

thats not what I'm talking about
I mean conforming to society by fighting my anxiety and depression
learning everyday to hide it a little better
no one wants to be around someone who's depressed and overly anxious
no one

you ppl need to be a little more positive say some positive things instead of beeing negative all te time

Doc it wont help if u keep saying that noone will like u.

ooh and magic world online is kinda boring .... got any other free games that i can play ??

hmm i think my last post may have been kinda unfriendly

so im sorry